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Three Simple Ways to bring back the Magic in Your Relationship

August 8, 2019

 

If a relationship is to evolve it must go through a series of endings” ~ Lisa Moriyama

 

We’ve all heard the saying that “Love is blind”. We fall in love madly, sometimes blindly, and it all seems so right, then we say YES!

The feeling is magical and intoxicating! Hey that’s what it feels like when we are young, inexperienced and there’s no manual to guide us about marriage, and relationships. And that’s ok! Life is a journey and we grow by making mistakes, by getting back up and starting again. There is no failure in life, only feedback and lessons, so nothing is ever a mistake. In our relationships we go through a series of births and deaths; endings and beginnings. Like a rosebush has a time to bloom and a time to die off, be trimmed and then bloom again. When your relationship appears to be in a state of “dying” there are a few simple ways to get it back up, reborn, allowing it to blossom magically again. These few simple ways are based on some fundamental principles and presuppositions of NLP.

The presuppositions of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) are basically assumptions we hold or beliefs we adopt about life, about relationships and how we communicate with people and the world around us. By adopting certain beliefs, we can achieve certain results that allow us to change what we want to. In holding these assumptions, we can improve our results because it allows us to hold on to beliefs that can influence positive attitudes and behaviour that allow change to happen.

 

1. Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources

they have available, including you

 

When we get married or enter into a relationship with someone, both partners bring into the relationship an entire “story” of their own. Our story comes from our childhood through our teen and adolescent to adulthood years. Just think of these years as chapters of the story. Each chapter is filled with conditioned programming of influences by well-meaning parents, teachers and society. events, traumas, painful experiences.

Most chapters are left unhealed and incomplete because of the learned behaviours, belief systems formed over the years, lack of resources. These directly affect the internal filters of the mind. When we are ready for adult commitment, more often than not, our unconscious mind selects someone who has positive and negative traits similar to those of our parents in order to have another chance to heal ourselves.

All too often, though, we end up reliving the patterns that hurt us in the first place. How can we then change our relationship around? Just imagine that your partner is doing the best they can with the resources they have available to them.

When I first heard this presupposition, I had many questions about it, but the more I explored the meaning, I understood that it was mostly about having compassion, understanding, empathy and forgiveness. When practicing this principle, it usually calms me down and creates a sense of empathy and compassion for the people I'm dealing with and also for myself.

The understanding that your partner has his/her own belief system and has been programmed in a certain way, affects their behavior and the way in which they communicate is important in the relationship.

 

2. The meaning of communication is the response you get

 

Most people have heard about communication being 7% words, 38% tonality and 55% physiology. Few people know that this study by Dr. Albert Mehrabian in 1967 was contested by later studies. In 1970, researchers found out, by showing subjects video tapes of people, that non-verbal cues (especially body posture) was 4.3 times more effective than verbal communication (compared with Mehrabian’s study of 1.2 times).

In a more recent study in 1992, it was found that using a flat tone of voice is a whopping 4 times more influential than watching a recording without sound. There are times in our relationship when the same response is appropriate, however, having flexibility in how we communicate when we are not getting the results that we want, is critical in getting the relationship back into “bloom” and getting the magic back.

More often than not the intention in what we say will be understood somewhat differently than we intended it. So, we often need multiple ways of saying or doing something in order to get a response that we want. If we keep trying the same thing over and over, and harder and harder, we can only expect the same results. Our partners’ model of the world is different to ours, and what is important in the relationship is to try to understand each other’s model of the world. This takes connection, understanding, respect, openness and trust.

The more we question our own beliefs about relationships, about life and ourselves, and can guide our partner to do the same, the more we are able to recognize them as mental constructs only, which then allows us to develop richer flexibility in our relationship and in the greater world out there.You are in charge of your mind and therefore your results.

 

Our minds are powerful beyond imagination. We can create the results and outcomes we desire! We manifest what is uppermost in our mind, what occupies it most often because we tend to see nothing else besides what we see in the mind’s eye so much so that if anything less does happen, we don't even tend to notice it. The thing is how we control that internal representation? We have to ask ourselves who exactly is driving the engine of our minds.

We exercise choice and hence hold the keys to the engine. Since we hold the keys, we can choose whether we want to be sad or happy or when to be sad and happy.

We always have a choice! It is extremely empowering to know that we are in complete control of our destiny and that we are in control of every single thought that we think and therefore every result that we produce. How we experience the world around us; our external world, is all interpreted in our mind. Your mind; your nervous system is designed to give you what you focus on. Focused thought energizes, mobilizes and creates outcomes.

 

How often do we say or think: I don’t want to fail, I don’t want him to do that or say that,I don’t want him/her to leave,I don’t want to be ill,I don’t want to be late.

These thoughts put your nervous system in a state of fear and anxiety, and in return, this is the energy that we generate and that our partner experience. You continue to express what you don’t want, but what you do want?

You DO want a meaningful, loving magical fulfilled relationship; Isn’t it?

So, the secret is to State your desires in the positive and in the present tense

e.g. My relationship is loving, I can do this, I am giving it my all, I have all the resources I need inside me. Such thoughts put your creative mind in a positive and empowering state and will build a meaningful and loving relationship where magic happens!

An Authentic Self-Empowerment Facilitator can teach you processes to build meaningful and loving relationships

 

3. You are in charge of your mind and therefore your results

 

Our minds are powerful beyond imagination. We can create the results and outcomes we desire!

We manifest what is uppermost in our mind, what occupies it most often because we tend to see nothing else besides what we see in the mind’s eye so much so that if anything less does happen, we don't even tend to notice it.

The thing is how we control that internal representation? We have to ask ourselves who exactly is driving the engine of our minds. We exercise choice and hence hold the keys to the engine. Since we hold the keys, we can choose whether we want to be sad or happy or when to be sad and happy. We always have a choice!

It is extremely empowering to know that we are in complete control of our destiny and that we are in control of every single thought that we think and therefore every result that we produce. How we experience the world around us; our external world, is all interpreted in our mind.

Your mind; your nervous system is designed to give you what you focus on. Focused thought energizes, mobilizes and creates outcomes.

How often do we say or think:

I don’t want to fail

I don’t want him to do that or say that

I don’t want him/her to leave

I don’t want to be ill

I don’t want to be late

These thoughts put your nervous system in a state of fear and anxiety, and in return, this is the energy that we generate and that our partner experience.

You continue to express what you don’t want, but what you do want?

You DO want a meaningful, loving magical fulfilled relationship; Isn’t it?

So, the secret is to State your desires in the positive and in the present tense e.g. My relationship is loving, I can do this, I am giving it my all, I have all the resources I need inside me!

The endless mind chatter is what causes us the most pain, we constantly want to give meaning to everything around us, what we see, hear and how others behave. What is just for a day, you become the “roommate” of your mind; become the observer of that voice in your head; your thoughts.

You will find that the incessant chatter often sounds crazy, irrational, illogical. Spend a day or two with your “roommate” and start listening to the dialogue.

Are you brave enough to do this practice?

You will begin to realize that the root of the problems is inside of you, and not outside. We seem to believe that most of our relationship problems are the fault of our partner, but when we take the seat of the “roommate” in our mind, then we realize that we can change the narration, the voice in our head, the story we tell ourselves, we can reframe what appears to be a problem. Because the more we become the observer of the voice in our head, we can become silent. When we are silent, we give in to being more peaceful, loving, compassionate and have empathy and tolerance for the other person.

Such thoughts put your creative mind in a positive and empowering state and will build a meaningful and loving relationship where magic happens!

 

An Authentic Self-Empowerment Facilitator can teach you processes to build meaningful and loving relationships


 

 

 

 

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