Going through a breakup is never easy; it can be like mourning the death of a loved one. You end up with a broken heart, especially after allowing another person to fill so much space in your heart and you have nurtured the relationship for so long, and then to end just like that; feels like your heart is breaking into a million pieces.
But like all other things that come and go, you should learn how to cope with the loss. It isn’t the end of the world after your relationship ends. You may be seeing that there is no way forward and no light at the end of the tunnel, you find yourself in a dark place. The good news is that the breakup may only be a start of a better, brighter amazing future for you -if only you are open to see the new possibilities and just allow it to happen.
This is why the first step to recovering from a breakup is by learning to love yourself again.
Start to reframe your internal story by asking yourself a few questions like;
What am I going to be like when “X” is out of my life?
Who do I want to be, and what do I want more of in my life?
What new steps can I take to move forward?
Here are a few simple steps to get moving forward
1. Accept yourself for the unique person you are
Love yourself as the unique individual you are, including how you look, that means the shape of your body, your hair, your skin and every physical aspect of you, your feelings, thoughts, and even your addictions, whether they are to food, shopping, or substances at this stage. I say, at this stage, because later on in my blogs we will deal with overcoming addictions with compassion. You don’t have to earn respect or prove anything. You’re deserving of love no matter what you’ve done or haven’t done! You deserve respect as a human being with your flaws, imperfections, and failures. Notice if you’re trying to change for someone else’s validation. Instead, remind yourself that being yourself is more important. When you practice self‐acceptance, you stop worrying about what others think and then you can be more authentic and spontaneous.
It takes time accepting yourself, so be patient and kind with yourself. Forcing change with constant self‐judgment keeps you stuck, but self‐acceptance with self-compassion allows change to happen with little effort.
2. Have a spiritual practice
Love yourself by taking time out and spending time alone. Having a spiritual practice is about connecting with your core and it is a means of creating a deeper relationship with yourself. Loving yourself means to honour yourself by setting aside some quiet time each day to reflect and learn who you are deep inside. Trust me it works wonders! After many painful and challenging experiences in my own life, I have learned that loving myself by spending quiet time and doing a spiritual practice like meditation, focused breathe techniques with open awareness and mindfulness has great benefits and has changed my life completely. Starting a spiritual practice can help you regain your focal point of what you might have lost after a failed relationship or in the process of trying to do everything for others and forgetting about yourself.
A spiritual practice doesn’t require religious beliefs. Your intention may simply be to find a centred, grounded and calm place to access inner guidance, to develop reverence for life, or to experience harmony with yourself and others. Listening and finding your truth, your authentic self gives you greater confidence, clarity, and peace. It helps you let go of control and not react, despite what’s happening around you. When you are centred and grounded, you become more empowered and you learn to pause before you respond to what happens in your life; you respond from a more resourceful state and everything becomes easier to manage.
3. Make time to Have fun
Love yourself by having fun! Make time for pleasure, recreation, fun, laughter, go on a vacation and find a hobby or activity that you enjoy. Start a project that you had been wanting to tackle for a while. I too found that after the end of my marriage I shifted my focus on a new project; I started on refurbishing my kitchen, something that I’ve been wanting to do for a while but just did not have the motivation and energy. The more I shifted my focus on having fun and taking time to enjoy the beautiful things around me, and taking short weekend getaways on my own, I felt renewed and re-energized. When we focus only on the problems of life, we forget to love ourselves. Focusing on a problem often makes it worse. Often, we forget to laugh and enjoy ourselves. We take things and life too seriously. Maintaining a healthy balance in our body’s chemistry, a good dose of laughter and fun is important. Taking time for a break and to have fun can restore a new sense of direction and you gain a new perspective on something that concerns you.
Celebrate your life by making time to relax, play, and be creative — activities that are rejuvenating and bring you into the present moment nourishes your soul and increases your energy and your productivity.
4. Be Gentle and kind with yourself
Love yourself with gentleness, kindness, patience and compassion. That inner voice can be quite critical at times; learn to manage that voice so that it’s kind, non-judgemental and loving. Self-loathing is an enemy of self-love and when you are in emotional pain or you’re afraid, blaming yourself or thinking there’s something wrong with you makes matters even worse. We often look at ourselves and want to take the blame and have feelings of guilt. Guilt is a wasted emotion.
You are the one who needs you; so be there with gentleness and compassion in your anxiety, sorrow, hopelessness, anger, and terror. Embrace your inner child with all the love that she/he needs. You have the remote control in your hand, so if that inner voice plays music that you are not in tune with, then change the channel; its in your hands to press the button on the remote control. Take control and take back your power.
That little voice often wants to keep you in “victim” mode, but with gentleness, kindness and compassion, you can change it with gratitude for the magnificence, the awesomeness, the greatness inside of you; the diamond that you are!
5. Get Support that you need
Love yourself by getting the support that you need. You don’t have to do it on your own. Commit to honour yourself by communicating your feelings, opinions, thoughts, and needs by asking for help and support. After a breakup we sometimes just want to keep our problems to ourselves, but they don’t go away on their own, often we require a good trusted friend or a support group, but more than that, we need professional help, especially when problems become overwhelming and they start to keep us stuck. Unfortunately, some people believe that asking for and receiving help are signs of weakness. If you’re used to helping others, you probably don’t feel worthy of or comfortable receiving help. Be courageous to open yourself up to be vulnerable; Brene Brown, a Research Professor in Vulnerability says that “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love’. The birthplace of self-love!
By letting others know you only want them to listen, they will be more willing to “absorb” the pain you feel. You do not want advice but to be able to express yourself and feel your emotions.
Support in an Authentic Self-Empowerment Facilitator who is trained at holding the space for you to express yourself in a safe environment can help you to unlock your inner potential and tap into your deeper sources of knowledge, creativity and motivation to start living a meaningful well life. Just be easy on yourself and take small baby steps.
Be Bold, Be Brave, Be Big!